So this has nothing to due with being a sweaty sissy, but I’m really tired and I want to keep posting stuff. I wrote this a few years ago (it’s absolute fiction), but it’s never been published. So enjoy!

On Wednesday December 15/1984 three days after my twenty-first birthday I won one million dollars on the lottery. One of the conditions to collecting the money was allowing them to use my name, voice and image for advertising purposes and this is what I said for my sound byte.
“I would like to take this opportunity to tell all my fair-weather friends and blood-sucking relatives that I’m planning on spending all this money on hookers and beer so don’t even bother calling me because the answer is no.”
Most people saw the humour in this, but my mother a mean, vindictive woman did not and she decided to put her new law degree to good use. She started two separate legal actions. In the first case she wanted compensation for the hardships and sacrifices of motherhood. The second was a slander suit on behalf of all my fair weather friends and blood-sucking relatives living or dead. The second action was tossed out, but the compensation suit for my mother went ahead. These things take quite awhile to wind through the courts and in the meantime I was young and rich and having a rockin’ good time.
I traveled most of the first year and that was great. I took the train across Canada, and then did the Europe thing, a little of Asia, then down to New Zealand and Australia. I wasn’t interested in learning very much about the cultures, but I met lots of interesting people and it was definitely the best year of my life. I gave money to outrageous charities and didn’t keep receipts, bought nice clothes and cool hats.
I lost money on slow horses and to fast card sharks, but mostly I just partied…hard. At that age, as far as I was concerned there were only two possibilities; I would live forever or be dead by age thirty. Either way I certainly didn’t consider investing any of the money. The only thing of value I purchased outright was a cherry red Jag. I didn’t know anything about cars and just wanted something cool and different and that was perfect. I leased a luxury condo and all the furnishings, electronics, art and plants were rented and completely changed every six months. Even the women were rented and I make no apologies for this. These weren’t sad drug addicted streetwalkers from broken homes. No, these were beautiful talented women who had chosen their profession with eyes wide open. They had a calling in life like nuns to a convent. Of all the things I miss from that time in my life it’s those women that I miss the most.
My mother won her first and as far as I know her only case and was awarded most of what I had left. I had to break the lease on the condo and sell the Jag. On June15 1987, thirty months after winning one million dollars, I filed for personal bankruptcy and went back to driving a Zamboni for a living.