I wrote this several years ago as a gift to an on-line lover…

My mind is a busy, noisy place. There's always a debate, conversation, problem, fantasy, music or just plain noise going on in there. Sometimes I would love to be able to turn it off and just enjoy the moment.

The thought that has been buzzing around in there all week is a plan to see you in an unguarded moment without you knowing it. I've decided to pose as a deliveryman and bring you a bouquet of valentine’s flowers. I've found a REAL florist and she's put together a beautiful and unique bouquet and you've never seen a recent photo of me so I've convinced myself that I can get away with this. What I haven't figured on is you not being home...I've been waiting at your door for 10 minutes and my little mind is racing with...and then you open the door. You've obviously just come out of the shower; hair's still wet, no make-up, sweat pants and t-shirt.

"Good morning, delivery for..."
"Wow, those are beautiful. Who are they from?"
"Umm, there's a card attat..."
"Come in I'll get you a tip."
"Oh that’s OK really."
"Nonsense, I'll just go get my purse."

You've left the room and my mind is very full. This is sooo wrong. I have no right to be here. It's an invasion, a violation. You're going to find out and you'll never speak to me again. I should just sneak out with my tail between my legs and...You’re back.

You walk up to me and hold out a bill, I take hold of it, but you don't let go. You just stare into my face. My mind is spinning and I can't read you at all. Should I confess and beg for forgiveness? Should I try to bluff my way out? Do you know it's me? Why don't you speak?
Then you let go of the bill, turn around and start walking slowly away.
You pull your shirt off as you get to the door, but don't turn around.
It feels like I am floating not walking behind you. As you get to your bedroom you slide the sweat pants off and stand naked beside the bed still with your back to me. I get undressed, step behind you, touch your shoulders, you turn around, our eyes meet and I SEE IT! Recognition! Connection! I feel like a little kid who's finally understood a difficult concept. You smile at me as understanding spreads across my face. Funny, lights are flashing in my mind, but the noise has stopped. You see it too and now I can read you, but it's nothing like I’d imagined. I thought I would hear your voice in my head, but I don't. I "feel" you and it's the most amazing sensation that I've ever had.
We move on to the bed and for the first time in my life I really am "making love" with someone. My mind is free and quiet of everything but our shared emotions. I am totally unconcerned about what goes where and why. Our bodies just...."are".

I am giving you oral pleasures when you cum for the first time and I "feel" it. Not in the absolute foolish way you sometimes hear a male doctor describe the pain of childbirth, but I do feel something more then you squeezing the hell out of my head with your thighs. It's so beautiful.

Later, we both cum at the same time and the sensation is so intense that we're both in tears as our combined orgasm subsides.

Later still, a long, loud pussy fart leaves us both with a case of uncontrollable giggles.
For hours we have this conversation without talking and I realize that nothing in my life will ever be the same. It's as if everything I have ever thought or felt or done has been in a fog and now that fog has been lifted.

Days from now I'll realize that I am addicted to you in the best sense of the word. Whenever we are apart I start to worry and then when I look in your eyes again, I see it and my mind gets quiet and peaceful and I am complete...

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I’ve spent the past several days trying to decide what if anything I should do with that little story. I wanted to have a valentines post and thought that I could just post it as is. Then I thought maybe I should update it a bit. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, but I still like the beginning of it. It’s a sweet little story in a love sick sort of way.

Instead I think I’ll try and find something deeper. K and I met on-line about a year before I moved out of the matrimonial home*. Things were pretty much done and we were just going through the motions for the sake of the child.

For a variety of reasons I had become very isolated; I didn’t seem to have any of my own friends, they were all hers. I was estranged from most of my relatives and my partner really didn’t want much to do with me after the baby was born and even then didn’t allow me much time to bond with him.

Anyway, I had become somewhat of a cyberslut. There was no intimacy at home and masturbating with someone on-line was often more enjoyable then by myself. I met K playing backgammon and her situation at home was very similar to mine; just playing out the string towards the inevitable end. Though at the time we both thought…thought things could be salvaged? No, at best we were both planning how we could continue to fake it. At least until the kids were older. We were both desperately unhappy and as the saying goes, ‘misery loves company’. With my shift work and the difference time zones we were able to spend a great deal of time together on-line.

A very intense emotional bond formed really quickly. At the time I thought it was something unique…the speed and intensity, but have since learned it’s a common occurrence with on-line relationships. We chatted every day for months about life, love, the universe and I know it’s a chiche, but there was a real connection there. We knew each others moods (I could even tell her PMS days) and deepest secrets (though I never told her about my cross-dressing…funny that).

We rarely had cyber sex, but she loved to hear my voice. I’d buy overseas phone cards and we’d talk for hours. She was the reason I started to write erotica. I’d read her something I’d written (like the valentines story) and that would usually lead to phone sex (she was very vocal), so I was highly motivated to write. ♀ has threatened to use the same tact with me now; no sex until I write something sexy. But unless I could write something sexy every single day….sometimes twice a day she would never be able to hold out.

K and I made plans. We’d get together for one weekend a year like the movie Same Time Next Year, we’d take our kids and meet at Disneyland, we’d meet in Paris for her 40th birthday, we’d…well you get the idea. What we shared was helpful for both of us. We needed a friend; someone who thought we were special. Valued. Loved? Yes, I think so.

She started having an affair. I knew the weekend it started, but it was several weeks before she admitted it was going on. She told me later that she felt as unfaithful to me as to her husband. The affair was a disaster. He treated her like crap and she’d convinced herself that’s what she deserved. I started dating and every date seemed even more hideous then the last one. We spent a lot of time chatting about how maybe faking it with our partners was better then what we were doing.

But time marches on. She bought her hubby’s share of the house, was single for a while and then met R. I gave the X my share of the house, was single for a while then met ♀. We talk on the phone occasionally (I haven’t chatted on-line with anyone in years), we’re both happier now then either of us ever thought possible. It’s comfortable when we talk, not awkward like it probably would be after an in person affair. I think it helps that we’re both in healthy relationships with partners that aren’t threatened by our past. ♀ likes talking to her, she loves her accent. One night ♀ called there 3 times just to listen to the answering machine. Well yes, she’d been drinking, but it was still cute. She wants to go visit. I think that would be great fun.

*any reference to marriage in regard to the mother of my son is just for convenience. we lived together for 10 years, but never married.

Cheers,

sss