Early in our relationship I told ♀ that I have a tough time with in-laws. I wanted to be there for her and her kid and my kid, but if she were looking for someone to impress her family, I probably would be a disappointment. She said that was OK, but at the time I doubt she really understood. The thing is I lack tact, I have a slightly warped sense of ha ha and I often say things without thinking them through. As a result I offend people.

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The first future in-law I met was her sister. She & ♀ came over to my apartment and within minutes she was looking in my coat pockets. Then she went into my bedroom and started going through my dresser drawers. Fortunately, they weren’t nearly as well stocked as they are now. I didn’t say much because I was the new guy and the only explanation ♀ had was that’s just how her sister is. My first official meeting of the family happened at this same sisters house a few weeks after our first Valentines. There were quite a few people over for dinner. I was asked what we had done for Valentines and I said, “We got drunk and screwed on the living room floor.”

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Another dinner I attended was at the home of one of her brothers. I disliked him instantly and that doesn’t happen very often. He was loud and obnoxious. He was one of those guys that think they know everything about everything. It was his way or the highway, no middle ground, no shades of grey. When he said jump, his wife and kids said how high?

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We’d finished dinner, the kids had left and the women folk were scurrying about clearing the table and getting coffee and dessert while the men lounged at the table with loosened belts. Eventually, wife of obnoxious brother brought in a store bought apple pie and put it on the table.

“I want my apple pie hot,” says he man.

“It is hot,” says meek wifey. “I just took it out of the oven.”

“It doesn’t look hot.” He says.

“Why don’t you stick your dick in the little hole to find out.” Says SSS.

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The first time her mother came to our home she noticed the ticket we had bought for one of those hospital home lotteries. First she commented on our foolishness for spending $100 on a lottery ticket, than told us she’d take the cash not the house. I told her we’d already decided that if we won we were going to turn the house into a brothel. Mother was outraged. “You’re not going to turn any daughter of mine into a whore’, she snarled.

‘She won’t be turning tricks” I explained. “She’ll be the Madam like Dora in Steinbeck’s Cannery Row.”

When we were planning our wedding we decided that we would only invite people who believed in this union and us. We wouldn’t invite out of guilt or obligation. (Easier to do when you’re paying the bill) Many people from both sides were not on the list. The one exception to our ‘no guilt’ rule was her mother.

I absolutely love ♀ body, but I’m especially fond of her breasts. I find it almost impossible to kiss her without fondling them and people who know us expect to see my hands on her chest. In fact people were taking bets on whether or not I could kiss her at the end of the wedding ceremony without grabbing her boobies. A close friend offered to bring handcuffs. I did manage to restrain myself, but it was difficult.

The ceremony and the reception were held at a nice hall right on the beach. We exchanged our vows on the balcony over looking the ocean. The sun was shining and ♀ glowed. The day was almost perfect. Her mother wept. Not tears of joy. Nope, this woman was distraught and did her best to make certain everybody knew it. Towards the end of the day, ♀ told the photographer she wanted a picture of my hands on her back. She thinks backs are very sexy. The photographer was behind ♀ and I was in front and I asked her if I could touch her breasts. She laughed and said of course. Her mother stomped off a short time later. The next day was very busy. We needed to get everything from the wedding put away, we had to get packed to leave on our honeymoon and we needed to finalize the arrangements for Junior for the following two weeks. In the middle of all this activity her mother called. Not to thank us for inviting her or to apologize for making a scene, or not staying to help clean up the hall or to help with all the things we were trying to get done before we left. Nope she was calling to tell her daughter that now she knew why she didn’t like me. I disrespect ♀ because I groped her at the wedding.

<!–[if !supportEmptyParas]–>Last year we bought ♀ her very first brand new car; a 2007 Dodge Caliber. We’d almost finished paying off my Mini Cooper so we just redid the loan to buy her car. I pay that bill so ♀ told people that I bought her the car. When she told her mother this she said that if I had so much money maybe I should buy my mother-in-law a car as well. I told her she couldn’t afford the payments then gave her my best lecherous wink. It took her a couple of seconds to clue in, but now there’s something we both agree on.

Cheers,

sss

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6 Comments »

1. 

   I’ll never understand what makes in-laws think they have the right to tell you what to do. Fuck ‘em. As towards your M-I-L, I suspect she’s just jealous her daughter is getting all the attention, groping, car, poking, or otherwise. Some people just never learned to be happy for their children. They’re certainly the poorer for it.

   Comment by tskathy58 — March 4, 2007 @ 2:08 pm

2. 

   This was simply hilarious (and you are quite outrageous!).

   orchidea xxx

   Comment by orchidea — March 5, 2007 @ 7:29 am

3. 

   This site deals with laws who are interested in laws.

   familylaw

   Comment by familylaw — March 5, 2007 @ 5:35 pm

4. 

   I have ALWAYS enjoyed the rather abrupt audastic type of humour which usually flourishes in the realm of queer men. I got it from my father who was pretty much an ideal candidate for the dictionary definition of ‘flaming’ and hearing the pie comment reminds me of it so much, thank you for the wonderful reminder.

   Comment by TheMindFantastic — March 5, 2007 @ 8:50 pm

5. 

   i just now read a bunch of your posts, i seem to have gotten behind.

   so marilyn… yeah gorgeous.

   and you know? i want to be interested in anal sex but i’m really not so if i had a live in penis i imagine i would want it in my ass about three times a year. at the most.

   and dude, that pie comment is hilarious and i always love a man who is willing to tell the truth. you want to know? you really want to know?

   okay, i’ll tell you.

   Comment by bad influence girl — March 6, 2007 @ 2:03 am

6. 

   HI SSS,

   THis post is one of the funniest I’ve ever read.

   It also basically mirrors behavior that I demonstrated with my in-laws.

   That’s why I haven’t seen them for eight years!

   Best,

   Chuck

   Comment by Whatthechuck — March 11, 2007 @ 2:43 pm

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