I assume the worst. This past weekend my son sent me a forward from his new email address, the name on it was his first name and her last name ‘Mini Bitch’. My first reaction was that she’d convinced him to change his name (he’s 11). She’s taken everything else from me, now he won’t even have my name. I asked him on Tuesday what was going on. He said his mom didn’t want his email to have his real name for safety reasons. Her name is more unusual then mine is so I think it’s a lame excuse, but he seemed genuine when he said he’d never change his last name.

But that’s how I think. If I send you an email and you don’t respond, it’s because I’ve insulted you or hurt your feelings or you really don’t like me. Unless I’m told what it is I’ve done, I don’t write back to ask why you don’t like me. I just assume you’re someone else I’ve managed to piss off. That’s just how my little mind works. When shit happens, it’s my fault.

♀ hasn’t been very happy lately. I know there are several reasons for this that are beyond my control. Full time school for the first time in 20yrs and 30+ hours/week at work are taking a toll and her marks aren’t what she’d hoped they’d be. When she started school in September, I told her that she wasn’t supposed to do any housework. All she needed to worry about was school and work. The problem with that is she’s a very nurturing person and she needs to feel needed. I’m always doing stuff for her and I think she’s feeling like she’s doing nothing for me and it’s messing with her head.

Another issue is weight. She’s very careful about what she eats and tries to find time to exercise, but she’s put on some of the weight she’d lost. I try to be encouraging; I buy healthy foods, I’m always willing to go for walks but with our schedules, we end up eating out a lot.  Not a day goes by that I don’t tell her how beautiful she is and how much she turns me on, but she’s been feeling ‘fat and stupid’ all week.

These bouts of self-loathing don’t happen very often, but when they do I blame me. A couple of years ago I would blame my cross-dressing. If I’m dressed pretty maybe it’s hard for her to feel pretty. I think for now we’re both comfortable where that is. She’s the one who tossed out all my male underwear so she can’t really complain about me wearing panties. The opportunity to get more dressed up doesn’t happen very often and she seems fine with it when it does.

The whole ‘sissy’ thing is a lot less tangible then cross-dressing and I think that makes it harder to find a balance. Here’s an example: last Saturday there was no one home so I put on some girly clothes and steam cleaned the carpets, washed the floors, changed the bedding, did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen… 

Junior was going to home before his mom so I’d had a shower and was wearing dad clothes by the time everyone got home. The entire afternoon I’d felt very sissy-like ‘I hope she’ll be pleased that I’m her bitch’. Of course she was pleased that the house was so clean. She said she was lucky to have such a wonderful husband. The difference is in perception. I tried pointing that out to her later that evening and she got really upset. “No matter what I do you’ll always want me to spank you harder, fuck your ass more often, discipline you more and more. It’ll never be enough! Maybe we should just find you another lover who will do all those things for you.”

Then we were both upset. All I’d done was try to explain the difference between how we both viewed my activities during the day. And what’s so bad about having a partner who wants to treat you like a goddess? I know being dominate doesn’t come easy for her, but it’s not like I’m asking to be physically dominated every day.  Words can be just as powerful.

As far as finding me another lover goes, I’m not interested in a situation who will take sexual energy away from us. If we ever include anyone else they would have to add to our sexual energy not divide it up.

Sorry, I kinda got off topic.  My point is ♀ isn’t feeling very sexy right now and I think some of that is my fault.

HHNT

SSS

ps: I think ♀ is sexy even when she’s not trying to be.