I’m not much of a fighter. The few physical altercations I’ve been involved in occurred when I was drunk and ended quite quickly when I turtled. When I was much younger and I had physical outbursts, they tended to be towards doors; punching, kicking, slamming, smashing…

I don’t do much better with disputes of the domestic kind. I usually end up stomping off to work hours before my shift starts and throw dough around while muttering dark things to myself. I’m really not good at confrontations; my hands shake, my brain fogs and if I manage to say anything at all, it’s horribly inappropriate.

♀ & I had a disagreement this week. It couldn’t even really be called a fight. She said something about Mini on Monday that rubbed me the wrong way and rather then saying something at the time, I stewed about it for a day. On Tuesday she wanted to start decorating the house and I was moody and not very co-operative. Not knowing what was really bothering me, she assumed it was a Christmas thing.*

So she sent me an email and there were several phone calls and we managed to get completely off track. I don’t know of any other couple that gets so fucked up when that happens. I didn’t eat or sleep for two days and she didn’t fare any better. It was horrible. In the past six years we’ve only had a couple of really big fights, but even when we just get derailed like we did this week, we both just fall apart. And everyone around us knows, even people that don’t know us as a couple ask what’s wrong.

The only positive thing that comes from these occasional eruptions is the ‘make-up’ sex is always spectacular. We’re both so focused on each other, there’s no trash talk or distractions. Re-establishing that connection between the two of us is so intense; it really just takes my breath away when it happens after a couple of days of it not being there. It’s like an addiction, I can’t imagine either of us surviving without the other.

Later, I suggested that a right good spanking might have helped get us back on track, but she didn’t think so. Spanking me isn’t her favourite activity and I would have still been upset by her ‘Mini’ comments. My theory is if she’d spanked me as soon as she was aware there was a problem I probably would have admitted what was bugging me right then rather then stewing about it for a day and maybe we could have talked it out right away instead of two days later.

A word about spanking: The occasional good hard slap when I’m already excited definitely adds to the pleasure, but getting spanked doesn’t lead to sexual arousal for me. I’m just not wired that way so it’s unlikely I would ever be a bad sissy just so I could get spanked. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life and even though I have a handle on things now, there are times when a thought gets stuck in my head and it goes around and around in an endless loop. It might be from the recent past or the distant past or it might be a ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ kind of thing. It’s a negative thought or idea or a conversation that plays over and over in my head and it’s so hard to turn off.

I can’t imagine ever saying ‘I’ve been obsessing about—— I think I need to be spanked’, but maybe if she could recognize the signs a good hard spanking might break the cycle. Or maybe not. It’s just a theory.

*If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you’ll know that Christmas can be a challenge for me. In years gone by I’ve spent most of December drinking, sleeping and working. But it’s not so bad now.  ♀ is very organized and most of the shopping is done early. I’ve more or less reconciled with my mother and come to terms with most of my xmas related demons. It’ll never be my favourite time of the year, but I don’t hate Christmas. I doubt that anyone will call me ‘jolly’, but I’m sober and as long as things are kept low-key, I participate and I think I do OK.

See, I even post Christmas carols on my blog…

Cheers,

sss