In stressful situations my brain goes foggy and my tongue gets tied and I never seem to be able to say or do the right thing. Then later on (hours, days, somtimes years) that situation comes back and gets stuck in my head. It replays with what I could have, would have, should have said or done. The scenario stays the same, but what I do and say changes…evolves…get more and more outlandish. It’s like an endless loop in my brain. I recognize the symptoms, I know it’s destructive, I know it’ll make me sick, I know it puts a wall between ♀ & I, I know the longer I’m stuck in that place the harder it is to get back, but it’s just so fucking hard to turn off. You know?

One school of thought suggests that I write it all down somewhere (here?) and get it all out. I’ve tried that in the past. Sometimes it helps. The thing is I have so few hours in a week to actually sit down at the computer, do I really want to spend that time focusing on the very thoughts that torment me?

I’m actually writing this post on Saturday night (my only night off this week). I think I’ll  spend the rest of the night trying to write fiction. It might do me good to concentrate on fucking up someone else’s reality.

♀ drew this happy face on my tummy last night. She said whenever I’m feeling down I should lift up my shirt and look in the mirror.

How bad is it? Those really are plaid flannel boxers I’m wearing.

HHNT

sss

ps: I managed to write chapter 3 of Death and Taxes on Saturday

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6 Comments »

1. 

   Hey, I like the happy face.

   And I *do* hope that it cheers you up.

   Comment by ms.inconspicuous — October 23, 2008 @ 4:14 am

2. 

   HEHE… liking the happy face…

   and the flannels look comfy!

   HHNT!

   Comment by jennybean — October 23, 2008 @ 12:12 pm

3. 

   Oh it never fails to think of the perfect reaction/action/words/etc. for those stressful moments when it is all over! Loved that idea of the happy face being there for you – HHNT!

   Comment by baby — October 23, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

4. 

   Hang in there, keep your pecker up, and make sure that smiley face is drawn in indelible ink!

   Hugs,
   C.

   Comment by C. — October 23, 2008 @ 8:15 pm

5. 

   I do that all the time – especially in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep – really silly. I know it’s Friday already but Happy HNT anyway!

   Comment by lapis ruber — October 24, 2008 @ 9:27 am

6. 

   I think men look super hot in boxers. You don’t have to be a sissy all the time. But you better be a sissy at least some of the time.

   *wink*

   Comment by Angela St. Lawrence — October 29, 2008 @ 7:02 pm

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