This was in my inbox today and I thought I’d post it. With permission from C, of course…

 You know the famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning?  “How do I love thee?”  Several years ago I profaned it up a bit.   I did it for a chuckle, but I was actually kinda pleased about how it turned out.  My apologies if you are a fan of Ms. Browning’s work.  

The original:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

MY version:
 
 How do I fuck you? Let me count the ways.
 I fuck you to the depth and width and height
 My legs can reach, the feeling out of sight
 As we move in a dance of ideal grace.
 I fuck you to the level of everyday’s
 Most urgent need, by sun and candle-light.
 I fuck you freely, as we strive for delight;
 I fuck you purely, on my hands and my knees.
 I fuck you with my passion put to use
 To please you, and bring us both release.
 I fuck you with a love that seems to grow
 With every passing day, — I fuck you with my life,
 Smiles, tears, every breath! — and, already you know,
 I shall love you forever, as your wife.