HI there, this is ♀ writing. I know I don’t write here very often, but I got tired of waiting for sss to write this review. I’ve been bugging him for weeks to write it, but he always has an excuse…you need to try them more often, so I did…I’ve been really busy with stuff,  bullshit! He spends most of the time online looking at porn and or lingerie. Not that I mind, but he should at least admit it. And while I’m on the subject, don’t you think it’s odd that a man sissy who’s not allowed to jerk-off without my permission spends so much time looking at stuff that’ll make him horny and frustrated? I was considering putting him in a cock cage, but I don’t think it would make any difference.  His latest excuse was the codes for linking are hard to figure out. Can you believe that shit? So now I’m writing it and all he has to do is the links and hit publish and he’s not getting sex until he does!

 

So our first product to review from  Good Vibrations were the Smart balls.  We’d talked about similar products before, but I wasn’t very interested.  A friend of ours had lost a Ben-Wa ball down a hotel room toilet, we’d seen something similar to the Smart-Balls and the string attaching them was just that…string and I thought it would get icky. We were at a Lounge event and Jennifer was saying how great they were so when I saw them on this months list I thought what the heck.

 

Ok, so they arrived on May 6th. That was the day we went to the last Deviant Dining at the Lounge. Remember sss wrote about how nervous he was about having to read a piece of erotica in his underwear? Well let me tell you how the day unfolded. He picked up the package after he got up. Yes it was 2 pm, but his day was just beginning. I’d worked all day and when I got home, there he was at the computer obsessing over what piece to read…this is to long, this is to short, this is written in a woman’s voice, this has two voices… I was just like pick a damn story and get on with it.

 

So he finally picks one and goes to print it off and there’s no ink in the printer. So off he goes to get ink and I’m trying not to get pissy (he’s had 3 days to do this). While he’s gone, I need to get dressed and oh yeah, I need to get the dinner we’re taking ready, because he was so busy with his story he didn’t get around to starting it.

 

I get the water for the perogies started and I decided to wear the tan-coloured shorts I already had on and just put on a nicer low-cut blouse. I had a lot going, I was multi-tasking because women can do that…not like I’m-trying-to-decide-what-story-to-read-and- can’t-possibly-do-anything-else men. I had to go pee and while I was sitting there with my tan-coloured shorts around my ankles I decided to put the Smart-Balls in. I opened the little package of lube that comes with them and it emptied all over my shorts. So, the first thing you need to know is the lube is very runny. Open it with care!

 

By the time sss arrived home, I’d picked out a new outfit and the perogies were almost done. Of course he was more than happy to insert the Smart-Balls for me because what man doesn’t like sticking things in his woman’s pussy?  We weren’t really sure how far to push them so he pushed them up as far as he could and that left just enough cord to grab on to. I like that even the cord is coated so it’s easy to clean.

 

I wore them to dinner and I could sort of feel them inside, but I couldn’t really feel the smaller balls bumping inside the bigger ones. I wasn’t really aware of my kegels getting a workout. In fact the only time I really noticed them was when I had to pee, the lower one would feel like it was going to fall out and I’d need to push it back in. Maybe that means I need to work on my kegels?  Anyway, I kept them in until after dinner…almost 5 hours.

 

I tried them again a few days later. We were going for a walk and I thought that would make them bump a bit more. It was kind of funny…I put the NJoy butt-plug  in him and he put the Smart-Balls in me before we left for our walk. Even while walking I could feel them inside, but couldn’t feel them bumping like when I held them in my hand.

 

I put them in while masturbating a couple of nights later and that was nice. I like having something to clench on to and I could definitely feel the bumping during my orgasm.

 

Now let me tell you the best time to use them. I put them in right before I went to the dentist for my cleaning. With the chair leaning back it didn’t feel like they were going to slip out and I could concentrate on something much more pleasant than what was going on in my mouth.

 

I have three toy drawers in our room (sss has 2 more). The top drawer has my favourites, the bottom one  has the toys that were probably a waste of money. The Smart-Balls are in my middle drawer. I won’t use them every day, but there will be times when I’m glad I have them.

 

Cheers,

♀

This past weekend was our 6th wedding anniversary and ♀ wanted to know if she hadn’t proposed to me, would I have ever proposed to her?

 

 I had a long history of unhappy relationships…

 

 

I knew that what we had was special, but I really couldn’t understand what a piece of paper would change…

 

I suspected she just wanted the wedding so she could wear a pretty dress…

 

 

So why, she wanted to know, did I agree to the wedding?  Did I think it would please God?

 

Did I think it would make a difference to the children?

 

Maybe I just needed a wife?

 

Did I just want some one to grow old with?

 

It turns out that it did make a difference, but not for any of those reasons.  The day we exchanged those rings…

 

…changed me and that day changed how I felt about us…

 

and after 6 years of marriage I still feel like shouting this every single day…

 

…and I will ♥ ♥ ♥ you forever!

Yes, it’s true. We became grandparents at 5:50pm May19/10.

 

She weighed in at 7 lb 2oz. It only took her 19 minutes from the time the water broke to make her grand entrance. Mom didn’t even need drugs. The doctor says she’s a natural at it. (I rolled my eyes). Apparently Junior was a great coach and even cut the cord without fainting. Both grandma’s were in the delivery room with them. That was completely unexpected. In fact when we were talking about it a few weeks ago, ♀ didn’t think she’d even find out about it until after the kids were back home. Junior texted both Grandma’s to say they were leaving for the hospital and when they got there he asked them to stay. Nobody else, not even any of Krayon’s sisters, were in the room with them.

 

♀ was over the moon with excitement. I haven’t seen her look that happy in a long time. She missed out on all that positive energy when Junior was born and it occurred to me when I was holding the baby (she really is gorgeous) that if we’d been together 20 years earlier, we’d have had fun making a baby or two. Before you get any bright ideas, we’re both happily fixed!

 

So, I was looking for just the right picture….

 

“Come here darlin’ give Granny a kiss!”

 

HHNT

♀ & sss

Every once in a while our friend C sends us something that she thinks we might find sexy or interesting or amusing.  She sent us this video with the following note…

This is quite a video clip — it’s The Ross Sisters from 1944 — and it kinda almost grossed me out.  They sing, they…dance…and the whole time I watched it I couldn’t help but think, “If that was being done nowadays, they’d be naked and it would be x-rated”.  Cheers, C.

 

There was a brief period of time in my young adult life when I wasn’t a baker. I was 21, had just finished my apprenticeship and was looking for a job. It just so happened that a friend of my parents owned a strip-mall in a small interior town and this mall had an empty store in it. So friend-of-parent had a great idea. He could lend seed money to some poor young sap to go up there and open a business. He’d make more interest on his investment than the bank would pay, he’d get rent on a chronically empty spot and since he was an absentee-landlord having someone by the short and curly’s in there would make it easier to keep tabs on all the tenants.

 

Like most 21 yr olds I thought I was much smarter than I actually was so I took his cheque, packed everything I owned into my ’67 Chev Biscayne (with 3-on-the-tree) and Feltch (my cat) & I headed off to this town (pop 2500) where I knew absolutely nobody.

 

I met Cobalt at a ‘tacky party’. I showed up with 3 warm beer and a half eaten pizza and I may have been wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Anyway, Cobalt thought that was pretty funny and he became my first new friend. He was short and stocky with a thick beard and huge hands. He seemed to know everybody in town and everyone seemed to like him. We were at the pub a couple of months after that first meeting and we were at a table with a bunch of other people when Cobalt asked (loud enough for all to hear) if I was gay. All talking stopped and all eyes were on me. Clearly this had been the subject of much debate and Cobalt being Cobalt just came right out and asked. So I put my hand on his arm and said, “I’m sorry Cobalt, but I’m not. I’m really flattered that you asked though and I hope we can still be friends.”

Well he just thought that was the funniest fucking thing anyone had ever said to him and we’ve been friends ever since.

 

Cobalt introduced me to amateur theatre. I think I was involved in three productions during the thirty months I lived there. The last one I did was The Death and Life of Sneaky Fitch. It’s kind of a spaghetti-western with lots of  cowboys and only three bit parts for women. When they held auditions Cobalt and I and 1 other guy were the only males who showed up, but there were lots of women. So it was decided that we would do the entire production in drag. Cobalt was Maroon, the dance hall girl and I was Mrs. Vale, the undertakers wife. This was 25+ years before I identified as a sissy, but there are pictures and maybe even a video. The weekend before the play opened, the three of us ‘ladies’ got all dressed up and went to all three pubs in town to sell tickets.

 

A couple of other points of interest…prior to the start of the play,  I’d been sleeping with the woman who played my husband. She had told me when we first started going out that monogamy didn’t work for her and I thought that was fine, but I remember being  jealous when I knew she was with someone else and intensly turned on when we got together again. It’s to bad neither of us knew about cuckolding, we would have had fun exploring.

 

An old boyfriend of hers from the city was in town during the run of the play and she didn’t have sex with me at all. So I started bonking the director…mostly just to try and piss off the undertaker I think. Anyway the director had just left her husband and I was the rebound guy. A week after the play closed I closed my shop and left town. I talked to Cobalt a couple of months later and he & director lady had hooked up. They’ve been together ever since. They moved to an even smaller town about 15 years ago and I was the best-man at their wedding.

 

It had been a couple of years since I’d talked to them so I called last night. It turns out that they became Grandparents 6 weeks ago. He says it’s not so bad. We joked about getting older and wiser wider. It was nice talking to him. He’s good people.

 

Ok, there was a point to this…When Cobalt got drunk enough he’d do this trick: He could suck a string in through his nose and pull it out of his mouth. Then he’d hold both ends and slide them back and forth (in and out). It still makes me gag  just thinking about it. He always said ‘chicks dig it’, but I think they just liked his big hands and his freakishly long tongue. Anyway, right after I finished talking to Cobalt I sat down at the computer and saw this….

 

Cheers,

♀ & sss

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #14? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Stuck – Since I first saw the picture he sent me I have had this visual stuck in my head, like a sweet thing lingering in the mouth…. wrists bound, tied to headboard–ankles bound, tied to baseboard– naked, exposed

Animalistic - I grabbed the back of your ponytail like I owned you. No protest. Only a moan. Fuck, how aroused were you? Even your kiss was desperate, wet, passionate; your body was on fire and it showed.

A Hot Afternoon – She took Grady’s hand and guided it between her legs. Grady’s instinct kicked in as soon as she touched Hatty’s tender clit and felt the wetness gathered there.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Confessional: Fixation/Addiction – In porn, both video and photo, I have little interest in the men. It’s the women who get my full attention, who arouse me. I seek them out. I flick past hetero couplings, bored. Blow jobs? Meh. Oh wait, close-up of her pussy? Her coming? Ok I’ll watch now.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator – His views on female masturbation (derived, clearly, from absolutely nothing legitimate) are so fucked up, so irritating, and so detrimental, that I want to punch him in the face. It is, truly, mansplaining at its finest.

See also: Pleasurists #75 and #76 for all your sex toy review needs.

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A Pondering
An I thought us girls were supposed to be the confusing sex?
I get ragingly horny watching gay porn
Menopausal Body
Over-Rated
Snotty Blowjob
The Ethical Slut
What counts as kinky?
What Is Romance
Why We Swing

Sex News, Interviews, Politics and Humor

Strip Club Series – Part One – Club Super Sexe

Kink & Fetish

An Anal Fairy Tale
How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1
In Her Place
Kinky
Love that Thang He Does
On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
Rights and Responsibilities
Shoe shopping
Show Me Your Teeth
The Greek Slave
Voice

Erotic Writing

A Recurring Fantasy
almost
Awakenings
A Helping Hand
Bite me
challenge
des fumes
Exposed
Frankie Says Swallow
For your prompt review
Gardening
Glass Elevators
Haze
In The Boardroom With Brock
Microfantasy Monday, week 77: Rain, part 2
Monday Morning Flash – “Homebaking”

One of the Hottest Moments I Had as a Prostitute
Seven
the feast
Unexpected Pleasures
Used
Wet

Well, we did it. We went to our very first Play Party.  Before I tell you all about it, I must admit this wasn’t the event we had planned on for being our first. Originally we had wanted to go to a couples only play party or maybe Sultry at the bath-house. Our thought was that with an equal mix of players there would be less pressure to include anyone else if we weren’t ready. Yes we’d taken the Play-Party Etiquette class, but that’s just theory and until we have some experience…it was a little intimidating.

 

I think ♀ pictured a big orgy and if there were way more men than women, there would be a lot of I’m-horny-and why-the fuck-are you here-if you’re-not-going-to let-us-join-you? I told her Jennifer probably tries to tweak the guest list to avoid that. I also reminded her Jennifer isn’t going to put up with any bullshit.

 

I know I come across like the eager one pushing ♀ to stretch her boundaries, but seriously I can’t even pee in public how the hell would I be able to fuck in public?  I mentioned that to ♀ and she assured me that nobody at the Lounge wanted to see me pee.

 

When we went to Deviant Dining on Thursday night Jennifer seemed really pleased that we were finally going to come to something more adventurous and several of the people we talked to that night were planning on coming on Saturday as well. We spent the week nervous and excited. It wasn’t by design, but we didn’t have much sex during the week as we usualy do. We went for pedicures on Friday. I got my nails done a red to match the baby-doll I was planning on wearing and ♀ got hers done a dark purple even though the baby-doll she was going to wear was green.

 

Saturday afternoon was all about shaving. I did her legs, pits and pubes as well as my own pits, legs and face. Then ♀ took the blade to my scalp for the first time of the year. We talked a lot (not just on Saturday, but all week) about what we each expected from each other as well as from the event. We talked about what we might be willing to try and what we absolutely wouldn’t be up for. We also recognized that things could change in the heat of the moment and how we would deal with that. We agreed that we would need to have conversations like this before each and every event.

 

I think there was about 20 people attending…a few couples, the rest singles, but after everyone arrived it was probably close to 50/50 men and women. I think we’d talked to about half of the people there at other functions. There was a wide range of sexy attire. The lights and music were low. People mingled and made small talk. My reading  Thursday night proved to be a great ice-breaker. The atmosphere seemed really casual. Everyone was very friendly and nobody was pushy.

 

There’s a group of couches near the kitchen where people tend to congregate and socialize. We hung out there for awhile then wandered around the rest of the facility to see what was set up. Nobody else was getting busy yet so we picked a bed and started making out. ♀ was definitely taking charge. She said she just wanted some fore-play to get into a sexy mood. She got excited really fast, but I had a tough time focusing. Fortunately, we’d brought along her glass dildo and a bullet vibrator and I used those to give ♀ her first big O. Seeing and hearing her come got me excited enough to fuck, but I was still distracted and my orgasm came quickly. She wasn’t done yet so I gave her a second orgasm.

 

People watched us from a distance, but nobody came very close to us while we were fucking. I think I was expecting on-lookers to be right up close and lots of people asking if they could join us. The way things unfolded was probably the best thing for our first time, but it surprised me. We probably missed lots of subtle (and maybe not so subtle) cues, but I’m certain we’ll get better at that. And with experience hopefully we’ll have a better sense of what we want and have the confidence to seek that out.

 

Not everyone played, but there was still lots to see and hear. There was a Sybian set up next to the bed we were on and we watched a woman ride it while she made out with another woman. Jennifer flogged a woman then gave her an orgasm. Minutes later she was fisting another girl to a loud, long, wet orgasm. There was a slave in a cage, some bondage,  a 3-some, a 4-some, some quickies and some long passionate sessions.

 

The massage girl had her table set up and later in the evening I talked ♀ into going for a massage. Things seemed to be winding down and I was sort of caught up in the conversation around the couches so I didn’t go with ♀, but I probably should have. She told me later that the massage got her really horny again and if I’d been there she would have let me (and maybe even the massage girl) give her another big O. Doh!

 

And what was interesting enough to keep me from such an experience? Well, we were discussing the merits of inserting an orange into a drunk man’s butt to keep his cat from attacking his junk after he’d passed out.

 

We’d had a late lunch and just a snack before we went to the Lounge. Jennifer had a big fruit platter and some sweets out, but by 1am we were darn hungry so we stopped on the way home for something to eat. It was almost 3am by the time we got to bed and can you believe it? ♀ was still horny! Yippee!

 

Sunday we talked a lot about what we liked, what we’d do differently next time, who might have been interested in us (if we’d been more observant), who we might have asked to play if we’d been more confident…

 

We know that every event is different, but ♀ did say if she’d known it was going to be that laid back she probably would have agreed to go to something months ago. Jennifer and Jason are going to be gone the rest of the month, but we’re already looking at the June calendar to see what we might like to do next.

 

 

Cheers,

♀ & sss

WHY are there MUMS?

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

 

Why are there mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

 

 

How are mothers made?

1. With dirt, just like for the rest of us….

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

 

 

What ingredients are mothers made out of?

1. Mothers are made from clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

 

 

What kind of little girl was your Mum?

1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice

 

 

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

 

 

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?

1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My Grandma says that Mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

 

 

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

 

 

What’s the difference between Mums & Dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

 

 

What does your Mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t have spare time.

2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

 

 

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. You know her hair. I’d dye it, maybe blue.

 

 

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?  

 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

Jennifer emailed me on Tuesday:

 

Hi

Deviant Dining is this Thursday.

I am wondering if you would like to be one of a few people I have asked to do live erotic nude readings through dinner. 

You would be expected to arrive coiffed in an alluring way, then once people start eating randomly each person asked to do so will stand up and walk over to the bondage chair.  There you will slowly take off your clothes, and sit down and do a reading of a piece of erotica that will be stimulating for all listening.  The piece should be 3-5 minutes long and you would need to find your own piece/s to read.  Self written, inter-net find, from a book etc.
You could strip down to the nude, or to a nice pair of silky panties and stockings. 

Are you up for this?
Let me know.

Jennifer

 

I said yes and immediately started fretting. Not about what I would wear…I had a brand new pair of very pretty knickers that I was saving for a Lounge event. That along with garter and black stockings is what I planned to strip down to and I wasn’t particularly concerned about that part of it.

 

I was worried about what I would read and how it would be received.  A lot of what is written here is anecdotal and I wanted to tell a story not just relate a sexy occurrence or fantasy. I hadn’t realized it before, but most of my erotic fiction is written from the female point of view. That’s just fine when the audience is reading the story themselves. Hopefully it’s written well enough that they hear and see the female protagonist. But if the audience is sitting in front of me…I just didn’t think pretty knickers would be enough to make a feminine character believable. In the end I picked this poem and this short story, both written from a male point of view.

 

I have a tendency to shake and the more stressed I am, the shakier I get. I was the second reader of the night and by the time I got undressed, I was having a hard time holding the paper still enough to read. I haven’t had much public speaking experience. I toasted that bride and this bride and made them both cry. Besides that, no, not much.

 

It’s a funny thing…this blog is quite popular so I knew that a lot of people had read the pieces I’d chosen. I’d had nice comments about them so I guess I knew that people liked them, but still I was really nervous about putting my voice to my words.

 

So, how did it go? Well, nobody boo’d or threw things at me. Is that what I was worried would happen? No, I guess not. I wasn’t expecting the applause and all the really nice things people said to me. It felt good.

 

When I got home from work the next morning there was a tweet from Jennifer:

You were fucking amazing this evening – I’m really proud of you!

 

I like Jennifer. She makes me happy.

 

Cheers,

♀ & sss

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