March 2007
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Half-Nekkid Wet Spot

March 29, 2007


This past week was Spring Break; older son was off school, but worked every day, younger son was at his mothers for the week and ♀ was still off work following her toe surgery.

I don’t remember the reason why, but we didn’t have sex on Monday. When I came to bed Tuesday morning I was really horny, but ♀ was still sound asleep. I held her close and pressed my hard cock up against her ass, but she was having none of it. Eventually she stirred and I asked her if I could nurse. Sometimes she lets me suckle on her breast while she strokes my head and back and I rub myself against the sheets.

“I told you, no masturbating. Now quit pestering me and go to sleep,” she said as she got up to go pee.

When she got back I was still stroking myself and I mentioned that it had been quite a while since my penis had been in her mouth. She was unmoved and crawled into bed with her back towards me. A few minutes later I mentioned that I’d had a really big poop before I’d come to bed so I was sure to be empty.

She rolled over to face me and crossly said; “I think you are being very disrespectful telling me all the things I haven’t done for you lately. I had considered letting you jerk off, just so you could get to sleep easier, but not now.” She got up and I watched her get dressed. ” If you masturbate while I’m gone you won’t get any sex for the rest of the week.”

Later in the afternoon when I got up, she said that she felt really bad for saying those things and not letting me come. I told her that I was thrilled that she did. She was perfect. She was dominant without being violent. I tried to explain how exciting that is, to have her control me like that. Gawd, just writing about it has given me a raging hard-on.

The next morning I brought her two coffees and a low-fat muffin when I came home from work. She was awake. She’d been up sick most of the night. I made her some lemon tea and put some chicken soup in the crock-pot for later (we make it ourselves and freeze it). I took her upstairs and she sat in the tub while I showered her then tucked her into bed.

When I got up she was downstairs eating soup and watching TV. I was checking my email when she asked if I’d masturbated yesterday or today. I said “no”, very surprised. A few minutes later she asked how many hits my blog had (537…just in case you were wondering). Then she said, “I think you should masturbate for me.”


“Take off your pants. I want to watch you jerk off.”

I took off my pants and pulled my chair directly in front of her, but after a few moments I still hadn’t got very excited.

“You’re not doing very well, considering it’s been three days. Are you sure you haven’t cheated?”

I swore I hadn’t. “Couldn’t you get undressed or talk dirty to me or put a porn on?” I needed some stimulation, something to focus on. At least she turned Oprah off.

“Go upstairs and get me the magazine we bought a couple of weeks ago and some lube and I’ll read you a story.”

I sat back down in front of her and she read me a story about a stripper getting cluster fucked (gang banged) by another stripper and four guys while her boyfriend watched.


♀ would make a fanfuckingtasic phone sex operator.










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 I think this is a couple of years old, but it still amuses me. If you’re feeling inventive please add your own new words in the comments.



The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2.  Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4.  Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
5.  Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6.  Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7.  Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8.  Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.  (This one got extra credit.)

9.  Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11.  Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12.  Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14.  Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16.  Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.


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Inspirational Bloggers

March 25, 2007

Two of my favorite bloggers inspired me to write this week:

Just in case you missed it, AAG held a contest the other day. You’ll need to read through the comments to see my entry. I don’t know how she picked the winner; she has some very devoted fans.

My other motivator was Chelsea Girl. How can anyone not love this woman? She’s beautiful, intelligent; she’s an amazing writer and I think she’s probably a really nice person.

Well it turns out I have something in common with the Goddess of Bloggers, a sexual something, maybe even a weird kind of cosmic connection. On Dec31 1979, the eve of a new decade, Chelsea Girl and I both had our first girl. Is that amazing or what?

I was two weeks past my sixteenth birthday, I was on a beach in Mazatlan Mexico, the surf was crashing in, the New Years Eve fireworks were exploding and… I came in my pants.

But the point is I was with a real live girl and I did manage to penetrate her a few minutes later. I didn’t last as long as I did when it was still in my pants, but…see now you’re laughing at me. You need to understand, at that point in my life I was convinced I would either need to start playing for the other team or I would die a virgin. A real live non-related-to girl (a cousin had let me dry hump her leg around this time); this was a BIG deal.

OK now here’s the thing, the rub, the confession, the truth I have not admitted to anyone in 26 years. The girl I had sex with was NOT actually the girl I told everybody I had sex with. I was skinny and shy and I managed to meet people by setting up my Backgammon board on the beach and taking on all challengers. As my notoriety and wad of pesos grew (I really am a good player) so did my confidence and I met a group of kids staying at the same hotel. One of these kids was a fifteen-year-old girl named Simone. She was tanned and toned and her big boobies were still teenybopper firm and strained against her tiny red bikini. Her eyes were bright and she had an easy laugh. She was the sort of girl I wouldn’t have had the courage to even talk to back home. But on holidays it was possible to reinvent myself and we became quite good friends.

She only lived about four hours away from me and for a couple of years after that we kept in touch with letters (remember those?) I even saw her a couple of times when I went to the coast. So it was a plausible story, right? I got letters from her and school pictures as well as the holiday pics. No one could deny I knew this beautiful girl. It wasn’t such a stretch to think I’d really had sex with her, was it?

Earlier in the evening (new years, remember?) I was in the hotel lounge and this guy I had beat at backgammon was trying his luck with a woman having dinner with her daughter. He invited me over to the table to keep the daughter company. The mother was drunker and more obnoxious then he expected and so he abandoned me there. She wanted to get away from her mother so we went down to the beach and did the nasty. I don’t remember her name, but I think I’d remember her perfume if it passed my nose again. She was older, maybe 18 or 19. I think her mother had brought her for a Mexican holiday to get away from a boyfriend. She was skinny and pale and she smoked and I really didn’t like her very much. I remember being horrified when she and her mother moved into our hotel a couple of days later.

The move probably had nothing to do with me, but in my little mind it was all about me so I spent the rest of my last week there trying to avoid…Tina! That’s what her name was, Tina.



ps; the best meal i had in mexico was at an italian restaurant, run by a yugoslavian ex pat from toronto, canada. go figure.

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Half-Nekkid Black and Tan

March 22, 2007


On St. Patrick’s Day, we bought new beer glasses and ♀ made me two (yes 2!) perfect Black and Tans. In case you are unfamiliar with this marvel of bartending, it’s made by floating Guinness on top of a much lighter beer. In this case it was a pale ale. It takes patience and a steady hand. I’ve never been able to do it and not many bartenders can either, but she’s become a master.

The very cool thing about a Black and Tan is that if it’s prepared correctly the layers stay separate as you drink it. So that even when there’s only a quarter of a glass left, there are still two distinct layers.

So stop in at your local Pub and order one (or 2). I’m sure the bartender will really appreciate it. Tell him I sent you. HHNT



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Big O’s

March 18, 2007

I’m am fascinated with the female orgasm. I never get tired of hearing or reading or learning about them. The who, what, when, where, why and how’s are endless. (well, not so much the ‘why’s) With men it’s so much simpler…our best orgasm was our most recent orgasm.

We always talk about her orgasm while winding down after sex. I was surprised to learn that not everybody does that. My quest for knowledge and my desire to replicate what I’ve learned has not always been appreciated. Early in our relationship, I think she felt like I was judging her if she wasn’t able to come the way I was trying to get her to come. Now she knows that I’m just curious about finding new and exciting ways to give her pleasure and I think she appreciates the effort. For instance one night this past week she was able to have a very rare multiple orgasm. I was riding her and she was playing with her clit when she started to come. It seemed to last for a long time and when I started to come…well she made noises I’ve never heard her make before. She’ll quite often have two or sometimes three orgasms in one session, but it’s rare for her to have a bunch all linked together. I must admit it was a huge thrill to be a part of that.

One thing that was very difficult to come to terms with is ♀ needs to be playing with her clit in order to come. In the past five years I’ve maybe given her six unassisted orgasms and even though she told me that was six more then anyone else had given her it was hard not to think I was doing something wrong. It turns out she’d never had an orgasm unassisted or not with any partner before me. She liked sex well enough, but all her big O’s came during solitary masturbation sessions. And no, I don’t think she told me that just to boost my delicate male ego. She tells me when she hasn’t come so I doubt she’d make up a story like that.

Speaking of big O’s, we’ve taken a big step in exploring our D/s relationship. She’s started to realize that being submissive is different then being subservient and being dominate is different then being domineering. She’s becoming much more confident and THAT is sexy. For quite awhile now she has been deciding the when, where and how of sex, but the other night she took that further. I’d finished braiding her hair and was busy filing and massaging her feet when she informed me that from now on all my orgasms will be subject to her approval. I need to ask her permission to masturbate and IF she consents there will be conditions attached; chores to be completed first, where, when and how (including anal play) I can come and what I’ll need to do about clean-up (come on her pillow or a specific item of clothing or rub it on to a specific body part or lick it up….). Cheating will not be tolerated.

She was very firm. Fuck it made me excited.



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Half-Nekkid Merkin

March 15, 2007




Here’s a little HNT quiz to test your knowledge of naughtiness from Renaissance Magazine.

1. Merkin

A) Venereal disease

B) Trysting spot

C) Pubic wig

D) Price paid for prostitution

2. Buggery

A) Sodomy

B) Insect-like sexual parasites

C) Taking money for sex

D) Rape

3. Florentine girdle

A) Chastity belt

B) Euphemism for orgasm

C) Prostitute’s gown

D) Slang for childbirth

4. Anton van Leeuwenhoek

A) Infamous renaissance crossdresser

B) Invented first oral birth control

C) Notorious brothel owner

D) Discovered the sperm cell

5. Olisbos

A) Island of Sappho

B) Pseudo-phallus

C) Goddess of sexuality

D) Wrote first recorded play about lesbianism

6. Pessary

A) Celtic god of fertility

B) Vaginal suppository

C) Early condom

D) Medieval lingerie

7. Gabriello Fallopius

A) Prescribed cloth condoms

B) Outlawed same-sex marriages

C) First female gynecologist

D) Performed first sex-change operation



*I’ll post the answers in the comment section on Monday*

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March 12, 2007

Everything I write sounds like crap lately. The official reason why I only manage to write 1 or 2 posts a week is I’m just to busy to do more, but the reality is even if I had more free time I probably wouldn’t get much more writing done. I procrastinate, I’m a two finger typist, the letters on the keyboard move around and I need to have a pretty good idea about where I’m going before I write. So the way it works is I have all week to mull over what I’m going to write about then on my night(s) off I sit down and out it comes. That’s the theory anyway.

I was going to write about the evolution of my cross-dressing, but by the third paragraph even I was bored. So now it’s on to plan ‘B’.   ♀ had surgery on her toe this past week and she’s off work for the next two weeks at least.  I had two nights off this weekend and she decided that she really wanted to go see her dad. So after I got up Saturday afternoon we headed out. It usually takes about 4 hours if the roads are good and it was pounding rain when we left, but we weren’t in a big hurry.

Because of her toe, ♀ needed to ride in the back with her foot up. We stopped when we were half way there for a stretch and some dinner and just as we were getting ready to leave again ♀ decided I needed to buy her a dirty magazine to read. We used to buy them quite regularly and read them together, but it’s probably been a couple of years since we’ve bought one. We pulled into a truck stop and ♀ said “I want you to get me a Hustler Magazine and if they don’t have any I want you to ask the attendant where you can buy one.” They had a small selection of smut and it really was a one horse town so it’s unlikely there was anywhere else, and even though there were a couple of truckers standing around and the attendant was an attractive young woman I did what I was told*. They didn’t have a Hustler, and the choices they did have were all shrink wrapped so I just guessed and got a Cheri Magazine.

*We’ve been exploring non-violent ways for ♀ to be dominate so when she comes up with an idea, I try my best to play along.

Her plan was to read the magazine out-loud to me from the back seat and masturbate knowing I would need to concentrate on driving, but no sooner did we get started when we hit thick fog and slush. The headlights reflecting on the fog made it tough to see, the interior light reflecting the other way would have made it impossible. So instead she did helpful things like tell me not to drive off the road or hit the sanding truck and made random gasping noises and “hey, I think I just saw a Sasquatch.” A little while later she said, “you know how T3’s kinda plug you up? Maybe taking a laxative before we left home wasn’t such a good idea. Do you think there’s anyplace to stop along here?” (We’re on a high mountain road in the middle of nowhere in the fog and slush)

Anyway, we made it to her dad’s in one piece and he had cold beer and leftover pizza so it was mostly good. About an hour after we arrived, her cell phone rang. It was our neighbour from home calling to complain about the noise. Junior had been told No Party. ♀ called home and he answered drunk and belligerent. He wasn’t having a party. It was just him and 6 or 8 friends sitting around drinking and listening to music. Harsh words were exchanged and he hung up on her…not good.  So I called him back; reminded him that hanging up on his mother wasn’t acceptable and it was time for the non-party to end. In his defense, the neighbour hadn’t called him first to ask that the music be turned down. She called ♀ 10 minutes after their 16 yr old daughter had returned home from our house.

My father-in-law and his wife live in a trailer park and the guestroom is their camper parked beside the trailer. A little cramped especially with a very sore toe, but we managed. The toe, T3’s, calls from home and the long drive pretty much killed any hope for lovin’ so I got ♀ all settled and came back in the house. I watched TV, wrote crap (as previously mentioned) and read much better blogs then my own. I’d forgotten about the time change this weekend so when I went to bed at 6, it was really 7.  I was still awake at 8…way past my bedtime. ♀ is such a sweetie; even though her toe was hurting and she wasn’t the least bit horny, she wanted to give me a big O so I could get to sleep…

“Did it embarrass you Baby to buy that dirty magazine? I saw you blush in front of that pretty little cashier. She thought you were a pervert didn’t she Baby? Those truckers thought you were going to jerk off right in the parking lot, didn’t they? You’d like it if they followed you out to the car, wouldn’t you? They wouldn’t be able to see me in the back seat. You’d open the girly magazine and slowly start looking at the nasty pictures. Then you’ld take your cock out and start stroking it. You like teasing the 3 big bears standing outside watching, don’t you. You move around so they can all see you. You’re looking at the pictures, but you like seeing they’re big bulges, don’t you. You’re such a cock tease. If you put on a real good show, maybe they’ll pull their cocks out and you can watch them stroking their big fat bear meat in time with you. Put your ass up against the window bitch so they can see what a dirty little whore you really are. Keep stroking your cock slut ’cause you know when you cum they’re going to shoot their loads all over the windows. You’ld like that, wouldn’t you Baby. Then everyone can see what kind of slut you really are…that’s it Baby, they’re really close now, they’re just dying to see you cum…”

We hadn’t had sex in a couple of days so when I came, I pumped lots and lots deep inside her while she stroked my back and kissed my neck. When I pulled out she told me to lick her clean and make sure I got it all because we were in somebody else’s bed. It had already started to drip towards her ass so my nose was inside her while I was licking. When I came up for air, she took one look and started laughing. I had nut butter across the bridge of my nose and over most of my face. She thought I looked like a little kid who had tried to lick the last bit of ice cream from the bottom of the bowl.

Last night when I took ♀ back to bed, she really wanted to have an orgasm. Her toe wasn’t hurting too bad and the T3 hadn’t made her really sleepy yet. She flipped through the pages of the magazine while I slowly finger fucked her and thumbed her clit. I whispered in her ear, getting her to imagine being a participant in the various pictorials; getting gang banged by 3 big black men, sucking an anonymous cock through a glory hole while a cute little red head fucks her with a strap-on, licking my come out of another woman’s cunt…

It took a while, but she was able to have an orgasm. It wasn’t very big, but at least it was something. We kissed and cuddled and I got her all situated on the narrow camper bed, carefully all covered up, water and T3’s within arms reach. I was just reaching for a pillow to keep her foot elevated when she rolled over and kicked the edge of a table.

Oh sheep shit she said sweetly.



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I didn’t write this, but I hope you’ll forgive me….

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.


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♀ has a thong that matches these. Are matching panties as tacky as matching track suits?


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March 4, 2007

Early in our relationship I told ♀ that I have a tough time with in-laws. I wanted to be there for her and her kid and my kid, but if she were looking for someone to impress her family, I probably would be a disappointment. She said that was OK, but at the time I doubt she really understood. The thing is I lack tact, I have a slightly warped sense of ha ha and I often say things without thinking them through. As a result I offend people.

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The first future in-law I met was her sister. She & ♀ came over to my apartment and within minutes she was looking in my coat pockets. Then she went into my bedroom and started going through my dresser drawers. Fortunately, they weren’t nearly as well stocked as they are now. I didn’t say much because I was the new guy and the only explanation ♀ had was that’s just how her sister is. My first official meeting of the family happened at this same sisters house a few weeks after our first Valentines. There were quite a few people over for dinner. I was asked what we had done for Valentines and I said, “We got drunk and screwed on the living room floor.”

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Another dinner I attended was at the home of one of her brothers. I disliked him instantly and that doesn’t happen very often. He was loud and obnoxious. He was one of those guys that think they know everything about everything. It was his way or the highway, no middle ground, no shades of grey. When he said jump, his wife and kids said how high?

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We’d finished dinner, the kids had left and the women folk were scurrying about clearing the table and getting coffee and dessert while the men lounged at the table with loosened belts. Eventually, wife of obnoxious brother brought in a store bought apple pie and put it on the table.

“I want my apple pie hot,” says he man.

“It is hot,” says meek wifey. “I just took it out of the oven.”

“It doesn’t look hot.” He says.

“Why don’t you stick your dick in the little hole to find out.” Says SSS.

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The first time her mother came to our home she noticed the ticket we had bought for one of those hospital home lotteries. First she commented on our foolishness for spending $100 on a lottery ticket, than told us she’d take the cash not the house. I told her we’d already decided that if we won we were going to turn the house into a brothel. Mother was outraged. “You’re not going to turn any daughter of mine into a whore’, she snarled.

‘She won’t be turning tricks” I explained. “She’ll be the Madam like Dora in Steinbeck’s Cannery Row.”

When we were planning our wedding we decided that we would only invite people who believed in this union and us. We wouldn’t invite out of guilt or obligation. (Easier to do when you’re paying the bill) Many people from both sides were not on the list. The one exception to our ‘no guilt’ rule was her mother.

I absolutely love ♀ body, but I’m especially fond of her breasts. I find it almost impossible to kiss her without fondling them and people who know us expect to see my hands on her chest. In fact people were taking bets on whether or not I could kiss her at the end of the wedding ceremony without grabbing her boobies. A close friend offered to bring handcuffs. I did manage to restrain myself, but it was difficult.

The ceremony and the reception were held at a nice hall right on the beach. We exchanged our vows on the balcony over looking the ocean. The sun was shining and ♀ glowed. The day was almost perfect. Her mother wept. Not tears of joy. Nope, this woman was distraught and did her best to make certain everybody knew it. Towards the end of the day, ♀ told the photographer she wanted a picture of my hands on her back. She thinks backs are very sexy. The photographer was behind ♀ and I was in front and I asked her if I could touch her breasts. She laughed and said of course. Her mother stomped off a short time later. The next day was very busy. We needed to get everything from the wedding put away, we had to get packed to leave on our honeymoon and we needed to finalize the arrangements for Junior for the following two weeks. In the middle of all this activity her mother called. Not to thank us for inviting her or to apologize for making a scene, or not staying to help clean up the hall or to help with all the things we were trying to get done before we left. Nope she was calling to tell her daughter that now she knew why she didn’t like me. I disrespect ♀ because I groped her at the wedding.

<!–[if !supportEmptyParas]–>Last year we bought ♀ her very first brand new car; a 2007 Dodge Caliber. We’d almost finished paying off my Mini Cooper so we just redid the loan to buy her car. I pay that bill so ♀ told people that I bought her the car. When she told her mother this she said that if I had so much money maybe I should buy my mother-in-law a car as well. I told her she couldn’t afford the payments then gave her my best lecherous wink. It took her a couple of seconds to clue in, but now there’s something we both agree on.



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